Searching for a path into the darkness

2004-06-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

2004-06-16T16:33:00.000-07:00

Its been a while...hmmm...What should I say...Well...life is awesome right now...working having fun...And getting some healing done from the past.

Yea...

God is good...

2004-04-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

"Break my world" A prayer...Sometimes I pray it not knowing anything...And that pray...is nutz...But your will be done

2004-03-27T20:38:00.000-08:00

There have been a lot of things buring my brain lately...School...and the mess that is makes your brain...and my friends at school...Why can't God just toutch them!!!!! They are wasting their lives away...I know he has...but why can't he just call them...words do nothing anymore...in a matter of fact they don't do much for anyone.

But yea...God grace is unbelievable...wow...I can't understand it...so freely given...wow...Thank you...

I feel like I am floating now...somewhere up on cloud 99 soaring like an eagle...God...wow...he blows me away
...

2004-03-22T08:31:00.000-08:00

I can't say enough right now...Things are converge are going...awesome...I Can't explain it...Jesus is just there, the Spirit is there, the Fathers blessing is there...I just can't believe it...but I can because you can see it...

Wow

Epicmx.com

2004-03-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

Raise up an army...In the army of the Lord...there is no room for idolatry in the Army of the Lord, there is no room for man pleasing in the army of the lord...I don't know what to say anymore...

2004-03-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

Some times there is something that you know is there, that you don't understand at all...It is a word, but it almost seems like it is entirely in a different language that you have never seen before and can't understand. I wish...It is like trying to find a word to describe the Jesus...You can't. I wish God would give me a language that is everything wrapped into one(Description, ETC.)...That I would understand and when I speak it everyone else would understand it as well. HAHAHAHA...Ah life is so sweet!

Blessings

2004-02-26T11:51:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in a fasting cabin! A place on top of a cliff over looking a beautiful river covered in snow...Just the sound of water beating against the ice, The water knows spring is coming and is getting restless...I went to this place because I needed God...I needed to talk to him, and him to talk to me...I sat down in the rocking chair, and layed my problem down at Jesus' feet...and waited...and waited some more...He asked me to start a fire in the fire place...so I did...and then I sat down some more and waited...I opened my bible and opened up to Isaiah 53...Well the one about suffering...And just read about what Jesus did for me on the cross...And then he spoke..."James, My grace is sufficient, you have layed your problems down at my feet...and now they are mine...stop worrying about them, I will take care of them now, My Grace is sufficent"

I am a fallen man, But by his Spirit and his love my problems are now his problems...and me...His grace is sufficient...I can keep on living...and wait for him to change me

2004-02-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

Hmmm....I don't write here much...Because mostly I think I am just writing to myself...Which is fine I guess. Things happened this weekend that i will never understand...Angels with six wings...more angels baking bread, taking care of me...Jesus...Feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit more than I have ever felt...ever...And I wonder why people don't understand me at the best of times(Kind of funny), and I don't understand me at the best of times...I have often wondered what makes me different then everyone else...and I honestly have no idea...All I ever did was just do what he asked...or whined and complained to him and then did it...

I feel special...But I also feel a little like an out cast even in the most charismatic cicles...Except for the few that I have met who are like me...But its funny when ever I talk to Jesus about it...He just sits there and tell me that he loves me...He loves me...and when I look at him and push everything aside and can look into his eyes...I feel love...And that love is turning into the only thing that matters...ever so slowly ...And That scares me a little bit...

So I say praise be to the Lord who is above me and who loves me...And Jesus never stop loving me...or else I would be a complete nut...

So I guess if anyone ever reads this...Just blessings...that simple

2004-01-28T16:06:00.000-08:00

Matthew 13:1...On the same day Jesus went out of the house and sat bu the sea...

As Jesus sat there everything was going through his mind...what had happened and what was to happen...But here on this place there was peace...The quite lapping of the water against the rocks...The touch of the fish as they touched their noses to the surface of the water grazing for something to eat. Peace...I felt like this last night...There was a peace as I entered into my home church...a few people...here and there, quiteness. I was relaxed...I was at peace...

13:2...And a great multitudes were gathered together to Him, so that he got into a boat and sat;and the whole multitude stood on the shore.

As I opened my bible today, those verses stood out, Last night was awesome, But in my soul I longed for peace of the quite house with dear friends, I guess I found my old habit of when there is a crowd, I tend leave that room and find a place where there isn't so many people and we can just be together in a more intamate place...I enjoyed last night...But I made a mental note that I am gonig to visit Merlin and Sigi and the kids on a different day...Just to be with them, and just to be family...I find so much peace in that home with lance and sommer and Jasmine, Talking with Merlin and Sigi, and hearing their wisdom, and having fun with them.

Life...Jesus got into a boat and sat...Jesus knew that he could find peace but still watch over the crowd...Hmm....Jesus teach me this...And also my friend teach me self control, and bring the fire of your presence into my heart...and burn away the darkness...

2004-01-15T18:07:00.000-08:00

The fire in my veins. I just felt fire...I confessed a sin...And my friend told me that his flesh understands...while he is angry in his spirit at me...And I felt fire in my veins...Judgment of the sin that run rampant in my body...and it felt the fire...The judgment of Christ...Take that o you foul flesh...Never! Never do I wish to see you again. A civil war runs in my body...Jesus kill the oppressor...and raise the dead in me to a fulness that I have never felt before...To be full in you is to be alive...Rescue me as I cling to you.

How can you know Jesus with out his spirit awakened in your body...To hear his voice, to hear him say that he loves you...

Jesus...Lover of my soul...

I love you.

2003-12-22T20:12:00.000-08:00

So here I am learning that it is a good thing that I am the way that I am...That I want to fight...(not be a bully). That I like getting dirty, That I like swinging a hammer and while I am doing this am glad that I am not locked into a room. I am a man, and that is that...But I am realizing that I have wounds in deep places. That I am hurt, walking wounded you could say. But I long to be a man, fully, and not the kind of man that society wants. A womanized man, a man that is safe. I never wish to be safe, but I hope that the people under my protection will feel safe. I long to be free roaming the plains with a rifle, hungry because I have not found anything to cook. I long to be walk in the woods and for a panther to stalk me and attack me to test me. I long to be proven strong, to know that I am strong. That I am a man.

Don't worry, I am not going to be stipping down and wearing a cloth as a diaper. But I long to feel the wind against my face as I look from the edge of a clif that I have climbed.

I long to wrestle with God. So that he can test me, and I can know that my strength is growing. I long to see the real battle between angels and demon's, and I long to participate in it. To have a weapon at my side, and a finger itching to use it, to go and kick some demon ass. To bring light to the captives and take their desparation and crush it and show them light. I long to be a messenger of light, to walk and breath and the gift of glory of the lord shine and bring people to him. .. Our Lord is a warrior...And I am in his image. God train me to fight, to see the beauty of sun on my skin, and the wind in my hair. To be able to defend my self. This I long to do.

...What do you think...?

2003-12-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

A time and a place for everything...Today is a day of strength for me. I hit rock bottom, But the grace of Jesus has saved me...Jesus' blood never fails me. Well I'm roofing now...and it is the hardest thing that I have ever done. My body is one big muscle that is broken...But I love it. It feels so good. the sun set tonite was the most beautiful I have ever seen(No jokes) I wish I could have taken a picture of it, but instead it is pressed into the banks of my memory...

God is sweet.

2003-12-13T00:21:00.000-08:00

Some times...Sometimes...A good friend and a pipe can settle many things, but if things are really bad, a beer might be needed. Me...I feel like things around me are...not in control, I study my heart out for school, and I come out feeling like it is not worth it.

I want to not be a watcher of the world, but I wish to in some way change something...I know...I know I can't change a thing by myself. at least I think I know this. Nothing can stand except if it is built by this guy named Jesus.

There is more out there, I know it...More of him, More radical than anything that we have ever seen before.
There is something that bothers me deep inside, about when people try and get all political and jazzy with their words and speach, and try to change something on their own. It hurts. But who I am...my words are nothing to them, they swat them aside like a bad bug, and keep on their way. I am not criticizing...I just don't understand why they do the things they do. Why they do things...their way. Why they attack but do not understand...But like I am one to talk. I am not as smart as them, or so it seems, they fight with their words in a so called discussion, but where is the love. I have felt these so called discussions destroy my heart once not long ago, even though people said that it was in love that they destroy me.

These people push themselves away from the church because it has screwed up in the past and have said that they have lost hope in the old church, there is nothing to be salvaged. But I say why give up hope...God has kept it going this long, it surely can't be all bad. There is a reason for it...Or wouldn't he have changed it long ago. But you say that he is starting it new through you. And you curse the old one, saying "old, destroyed, modern, and not post modern enough". Well this is my reply, Jesus curse the old? No he promised that if they turn to him he would heal them. So that is what we need, not to start something new, but to gather strength and not through words but actions show the church that there still is hope. We must not give up on what the Father has kept around for 2000 years, he hasn't. So why should we...

I have already written more that I should...

Help us Jesus...

2003-12-11T16:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there is nothing to write...but this...Jesus I am yours, no matter how much I think, I will never figure you our, Your spirit baffles me...Father I like the fact that you are a good Dad

2003-12-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

Gods love...That he wants to change me...And make me Holy...YEA HAW! He wants to change me! not because I am a burden, but because I am loved. TE HE...He loves me...He really loves me...He loves me when I screw up...He loves me when I am on the ball...It doesn't matter...But he does want to make me Holy...So I think I will ask him to help me open up my heart so that he can change me...Because he loves me.

2003-11-29T12:34:00.000-08:00

...

Pedro The Lion Diamond Ring lyrics
you said that you would not love me last summer
and you said that you would not love me last spring
but i hoped that you would change your mind by autumn
especially when i bought that diamond ring
but you still said no
you would not have me
you still said no, no, no

i heard that you've been sleeping with your old friends
and i heard when each one left, and broke your heart
i told you then that i would never leave you
i told you that i loved you from the start
you still said no
you wouldn't have me
you still said no, no, no

even though you haven't any answers
you still think that you don't need anyone
to save you from the mess that you've created
and even when i gave my only son
you still said no
you wouldn't have me
you still said no, no, no

2003-11-28T09:54:00.000-08:00

Well...Things are looking up...well they are looking anyways...I'm learning so much, really I am...So much about God, and how I can't do anything without him...Even when I get on a roll get into ministry mode...I still can't do anything with out Jesus...Man...I can't even judge people...I can't people by their mistakes...but only by where they are looking for comfort...I'm not sure if I can even do that...MAn...Crazy

2003-11-24T08:50:00.000-08:00

A new place again...I feel like I have been brought to a new place a new mountain. I don't understand why I am here, but everything seems so...different. Alone yet together, on a cliff...a ledge, I don't know if I am moving, but I am here. If feels like I am surrounded by a fog. tired and long gone...hmmm...I don't know what to think...

2003-11-23T10:06:00.000-08:00

Be Holy as I am Holy...I used to think that this was just a good idea, but it now seems that Jesus wants me to be holy. I feel it deep down. Pushing me to it, showing me it mah...it is like a burden in my soul. It is just such a line to walk...and it seems that being Holy is much different that. The holiest people I have been with and read about are rough people. So I'm kinda glad that I don't have to fit into other peoples models, that Jesus has one for me...and that makes me happy...Yea...I have to go study...Adios

2003-11-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

Ever said good bye to a hero...I almost feel like I have. My relationship with my Brother...My older brother. It seems like it is falling apart. Or I am seeing the cracks in it...Man this sucks...I don't want it to be like that...I have to change...I can't ask him to change, for that is who he is, me, I have to, God. Help. If anyone reads this thing...Just pray for me, I want my older brother to be my brother again. It sucks, because I think I treat him like dirt. HELP JESUS.

2003-11-17T21:58:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to write...except that I am indeed human...and I need help...big time...I love you Jesus...Keep on working in me and change me...I can't do it...

2003-11-12T10:29:00.000-08:00

Just thinking about last night, to feel God move like that, to feel and see evil spirits leave. the kingdom is coming. The King is coming, a while back I was reading somewhere in the minor prophets and it said the King is coming, and it hit me. Sometimes it feels like Jesus is another life, that this hope that I get from Jesus cannot be attached to this life, the hope is almost like a distant thought only thought in the far reaches of my mind. But one day about two weeks ago things changed, "the King is coming" moved from my mind and entered a part of my heart, and like the heart pumps life giving blood through my system, the good news that the King is coming, spread through out my body. Jesus is really coming, I got excited, I was shaking, The King is coming. Jesus is coming soon. In the quietest voice possible "Jesus is coming, and let him come like he said he would". I believe!

2003-11-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

Sitting around...Thinking...This morning...I was sleepy, it was hard getting out a bed. But thinking about last night just helped. Living for something else, something better than me, something that makes sense, that is life, well not for many people but for me it is my life. I do live for something else. But even this is hard, it seems some of my friends see me as a judging monster, I never say anything, and in my heart I do not judge, I'm just as big of a screw up as them...I'm not better! Except for one thing, that I have been forgiven. They don't understand this, they see Jesus as one big organization that spits out a judging people. THIS IS NOT TRUE! Why can't they just see the freedom that comes from being forgiven, but it just seems that they see me as someone who is a judger, just like so many Christians out there. BAH...I HATE THIS! CHANGE THIS CHURCH THAT YOU HAVE JESUS! HUMBLE THEM! HUMBLE THEM TO THEIR KNEES, AND RESTORE TO YOUR CHURCH THE FREEDOM THAT COMES FROM YOU. SHOW THEM THAT THEY CAN'T ACT BETTER, THAT THEY CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE ABOVE THE REST OF THE WORLD, THEY NEED TO LIVE IN IT, AND FROM THE PLACE THAT GOD PUTS THEM TAKE OUT THE LEGS.

BAH!!!!!! Why have so many gone before and why have I acted so above everyone else, why? Jesus I need you! Your message never leaves your mouth only as words, but your words are action. Power follows your words...Jesus give me power to show who you are, Jesus let your love crush the darkness around me, give them breath. Help them! I plead this...Jesus come down...Help me to show others the salvation that you want to give them so badly that you died for them 2000 years ago. Show them that your passion for them, blow their foundations away and show them that you are the LORD.

Your son...James

2003-11-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

Things are different, I'm not sure how, but things are different now. I spent some amazing time with a very Godly man, and went through some deliverance. And now things are different. The time spend with him was exciting but also not a emotional high, it was just a time of doing something. I hope that makes sense. Things are more calm, how do I explain it...Settled, not so ansey, I feel like roots have been dropped deeper into the ground and now...Peace. A peace that I feel deep down even when everything else seems out of control. I like it, I love it. Simplicity at the core. That's the only way I can explains it.

2003-11-03T22:05:00.000-08:00

Tonite...for some reason I'm up...Waiting...don't know why...but I am...
As the snow falls out side, washing its way up the window, I wonder what am I to do. hmmm...a nice pipe would do, but wait, a voice...my bed...calling...yes...it is time to go to bed. night

2003-11-03T21:08:00.000-08:00

So lately I have been down in the shit gutter. It seems that with school things become to much for my mind, my state of being. I get depressed, almost wondering if the train to the bar is the best answer. No it isn't this I know, but sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to leave the rest of my thoughts at the door and say hey! I don't want to be here and pound back 5 of something that tastes a little like honey and leave not remembering the night.

But this weekend showed me something, something that I can't forget...That for some reason, God wants to use me, to flow his loving power through my hands to love people.
I don't know why he would use me to do these things...But does it matter what I think...I think not. My God wants to use me, I can't argue him, nor do I want to.

2003-10-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

An arrogant post...

I have been feeling like a favorite lately...Which most would say is not that bad of a thing. But for me...I feel like for some reason God has chosen me...me of all people to bless more than most, It has brought some guilt...like God why do you choose me when you decided to place 2000 dollars in my bank account...Why? Why do people look to me as a guy who knows God? Why do they see me and want what I have...Give it to them Lord! I don't want it if I am the only one...

I don't understand...God shouldn't have favorites...it just shouldn't happen. So here I was telling a friend this and he told me a story about Cory Tamboom (SP??)...And I guess Cory was asking the same thing of God..."Why do you have Favorites, why am I one of those"?
God answered back "I don't have favorites"
"But you let John rest against your breast, surely you have favorites".
"Cory" God answered "It is not that I choose John to rest against my Breast, it is that he was the only one who wanted to".

And that touched my soul...But it kind of made me look back on my life when I beat the crap out of my self so that I would not take that second look at that girl who is just showing off way to much. When instead of dreaming about a relationship with him (One where he talks and then I talk..a conversation ) I choose to ask that he would speak to me for real, so that we could have a better relationship. The cleansing and all the pain that I went through with that one and still go through, The pain of hearing wrong...But the joy of hearing the King out there and speaking what I had been told and seeing the Spirit move in such a way, that brings tears to my eyes because Jesus' love for his Children is so great. and all the hurt that I took in, as people looked at me and judged. And labeled me as a freak, all the hurt that came with that, and the point of taking all that raging anger and saying "WHAT THE FREAK GOD, THIS SUCKS, WHY? WHERE IS YOU POWER AND MIGHT HERE, EH, WHERE IS THIS GOD THAT I READ ABOUT IN THE BIBLE" ...And then reading that God said that he would take all things and turn them for the good of those who loved him. So I pray and even though it sucked to pray and I hardly belived that it would come true and say "God, I'm bleeding and a mess on the floor because these brothers and sisters of mine through you, see me as a freak and don't like me, but dang it give me your heart for this matter, and I bless them" and try to mean it...Because I figured that you knew best when you wrote down in your book to bless the people that piss us off.

And with that story things became a little clearer, no I wasn't a favorite, no I am not special, but dang it God, I know that you are true and right...So I will do what you say and come to you like I am...A messed up sinner that is as close to death as he wants to be...And you say that you want to change me...That I can't do a thing...Except love you for who you are...

So no I am not a favorite...No I am not special...But HOT DOG...Some one out there loves it when I show him a little love, and DANG it I love that guy named Jesus. Because I need his love...And in my life I see that I want to be known by someone that isn't going to hurt me...And so far, Jesus you haven't hurt me yet...I can trust you. So I will chose to lay my head down near yours...Help me to do that...Because even now I want to go and chase my lusts down the street.

2003-10-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

Just something that I see....An observation...Is a better title.

It seems that most people in America are stuck in their faith not moving. and I guess that I see one thing come to the surface, the relationship with God is not there...they know so much about him but their relationship is so...so...not there...They try and try to get to know him...But they hit this wall...I don't know exactly what it is...But it is there...I think it is just the mind...By saying this I am not calling the mind a bad thing...no God made it...There are big plans that come from the mind...God uses the mind...So let me get this straight...The mind is not evil but a blessing from the Lord like crazy...

But it can also be a block a wall...Ever heard the phrase "take the step of faith". Well to me that saying is to do something that goes against logic...Ie.People healed from a touch, a shadow. That is a step of faith. But most people must use their mind to the upmost, they see what God is doing and asking them, but they must hash it out with their minds until the time to take the step has passed and all they are left with is a mind full of logic and no relationship. (I hope this makes sence).

Just some thoughts...I don't know how many people read this thing...but I just ask...next time God asks you something or calls you to do something...do one thing...Say ok...and walk...and leave your mind in behind the curtain for a while

2003-10-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

So last night I went to an AFI concert...It was awesome, rocked...amp'd me...I loved it to be back in the midst of the punks...Rocking the house...It was sweet...I spent the entire night in the pit...and there I was covered with sweat and blood (From my friend who got headbutted...It was awesome...Wondering if being there was going to affect my walk with Jesus...Here I was surrounded by complete pagans...or the world if you even wanted to call it that...and here I was surrounded by it...The thing that Christians everywhere would shy away from...Because it just might affect their spirituality. And now as I think about it...Those punks are the people that Jesus hung out with...they were kind of people that he loved...and actually was.

These people were awesome! There for a good time...not to get women...they were not there to show off...They were there to listen to some sweet tunes and hang out with their friends...

These people could change the world...and the funny thing is that when they would accept the sacrafice that Jesus made they wouldn't be your regular Christians...They would keep how God made them...(Which is a punk) and would attack the world...

hmm....It was a sweet night...and it might just change the world

2003-10-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

Today is going crazy...I don't feel crazy anymore...But everything around me seems to move so fast that it almost merges into a vortex of color moving so fast that I just feel the wind of the events touching my senses, giving me a gasp of what life in America really is. Life here is horrible, we are forced to move to one word...Productivity, rushing from place to place in the hope of saving time. In the midst of this...I was hungry...(By the way it is amazing how this one factor drives me) So I went to the john ware building to get some food, and sat down. The sky was a grey murk and sent a comfortable glow into the room. I sat, the peace came down like a water fall. It was a quite place, the noise outside my ears wasn't even there...I sat down and it felt like a quite lake, a place where I could lay my head and relax...Where there was nothing to worry about...I figured out one thing...That to live like all other north Americans is death. To live with productivity as my idol only lead to death...death in the mind, heart and soul. I might not be able to work in America or even Europe...But I can not live like this. There is just so much and so quickly... Life passes us by like a freight train in the night...A whistle and then noise...

2003-10-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

A little crazy I seem to be, Pain seems to haunt me today. I wrote someone yesterday, I wrote from my heart...and the reply was pain. A thorn in my heart. I wrote it no because of anything other than I did not want to be used. I did not want to dragged down deeper into the depths of the past. The past...where problems are seen clearly, where hope was banished. Where it seemed that the finger was pointed at me.The past... Where loneliness stalks, and the dream of companionship prowls like a inky black leopard. That black leopard stalks today, gnawing at my armor, trying to break in and destroy my heart. Lord Help.

The waves crash in the tide rolls out...but there is no doubt..that the light house will keep shining out to warn a lonely sailor...the lightning strikes. and wind cuts cold to the sailors bones through the sailors soul till there is nothing left to hold except a rolling ocean.

I am ready for the storm

Rich Mullens

Today...I have felt like this once before...where I feel like I am crazy, put out to the wind. Blowing like a ship across the ocean. I feel so alone here where I am. "Why do you have to talk to me Lord, Why do you choose me"? But I know the answer...I am chosen. Why do I have to go in first? Why do you choose me? Why can't I be satisfied with fluff...Why do I have to search deeper...Past mind and thoughts...Why do I have to search to the heart? Why have you made me like this. You are like a mad sea, raging under my footing...So much to know...So much to learn...Where I feel like I am the only one listening, where I feel like I am the only one hearing...

But alas a group of voyagers, A group that seems to want to ride the waves as I do. Who always has their vision on the horizon, not on the problems of today. A group of people of the like which I have never met.

I want to know the Father of the universe...The Father of my heart...I feel like I don't belong to this race called humanity...I see the horizon...I sail to the dawn and tread upon it...Or so I wish to...To go where no one else has ever been. The heart of a Magellan or maybe a Paul.

I seem to look at the problems that others look at and see their fulility. I look past the problems and see the glow of what is coming. And run for it...Lord do this in me...For now I seem to be stuck, or maybe holed up in port waiting. Longing for the sea, and the loneliness that comes with it, but also the treasure that can be found.

I'm part crazy. I know it... So I pray Lord even when I am in the storm that your light house would guide me

James

2003-10-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

I guess I see discussion as a good thing...A helpful thing...But sometimes it leads to anger and strife...I might not be that smart...but why can't evertime a question comes around...why can't we just sit down and ask Jesus...

2003-10-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

The heart...Where believing becomes reality. From the heart comes the love of God, and this starts the tranformation of our bodies, soul and Spirit... As I walk this path, I see so much, so many things, and as I ask for transformation, I get two companions, Suffering and sorrow. I guess this sounds like wow...Why can't I have fun and good times with me.Honestly I don't have an answer for that...All I know is that when ever I prayed for growth, those two companions come around, and they offer their hands to me, they offer their help to get me up the mountain. (I kind of took this from "hinds feet for high places" ) But it is true! But the cooliest thing is that It hurts to grab their hands...it sucks...But as time goes on...They turn into love and Joy...It is kind of funny...I can't explain it...Mah...
That is what is going through my head right now...So...Yea...
I'm down

2003-10-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

Mah...friends...family...all coming together with God...These are some of my favorite things...(Key the music)...NOW!

God is awesome! He stokes me beyond comparison

2003-10-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

Hosea 8:10b Then they will know the burden of the great King!

The burden of the great King! Jesus a burden, the Father difficult. What are you talking about.

The king is a burden, on my walk I see more and more that the road only gets more difficult, the path steeper, more narrow than before. Ah ha I see it…I know why, That as we walk the path that is narrow, we are forced if not even herded to a point where we must trust in something other than us to get us through. Jesus is the shepherd right… So it makes sense.

So as we walk the path almost starts out as a narrow wide path, but as we walk through this life we have to start to trust the shepherd, to lead us, to guide us. We need him, there are times when he needs to pick us up and carry us, to bring us to a point where the path is so difficult that ourselves can’t even continue, that we forget about our selves and let him take us, let him bring us to revelation, bring us and change us in to the hinds feet
(Hab 3:19) It makes sense it really does.

2003-09-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

Just something that is bothering me today...Well it started yesterday. Too many people try and get to God with their minds...By this I am not saying that the mind cannot get near to God...No you are using your mind right now to read this...And to read your bible and all that. But to keep on talking and questioning I know is not the way to get to God.

A year ago...I kept on questioning God, trying to figure him out...His truth and all that. But I came to a conclusion, that God is beyond our thinking totally, he defies our logic and goes beyond our reasoning...We cannot figure him out that way...It is not a way to draw near. But he does ask us to do one thing...To come near and sit at his feet so he can love us, to learn how he is like nothing we can figure out...But he wants us to sit there and he wants to show us who he is...It's a stinking relationship...He ask'
s us to seek after him with our heart...OUR HEART...Not our mind...! If we try with our mind we will just go off the deep end...I've seen it time and time again.

Life is love, Jesus is love, he wants to heal our hearts...And then everything else comes later.

2003-09-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

John 1...I was just reading it...And I guess at the beggining...There was the light and the light was in him, and this life gives light to everyone. The light shines through the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.

I have read this alot...But today I guess m brain just gave up and I let the spirit in. And this is what I thought...Man it is cool to see Jesus kickin' the crap out of the dark...But are we not hidden in Christ and his spirit is in us...So we are a torch in the darkness because of him...(Basic truth here) So here we go...Torch in the darkness, don't hide it under a tree or a bush or even a mountain...But Wait...most Christians I was thinking don't really have a light to hide! And that got me thinking about everything else, like creation is groaning for the sons of God to be brought into glory...And then I was thinking some more...and asked the question of where the heck is the glory...Because like I said most Christians don't have much glory...they are kind of hum drum in appearence... And then I guess that goes with my last post. But I thought that it was kind of cool how God kind of brought my thoughts back to...We are missing the glory that God has intended for his sons and daughters here on earth...

So I guess I'm going to be praying for God to do all that he can do in my life to get that Glory...

Yea...

2003-09-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

Well hey...Here I am at school...and I just finished more homework in one hour than I would have finished with 4 hours at home....hmmm...

2003-09-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

When Jesus came…what did he do, did he come just to take our sins away, or did he come to save us. Evangelicals around the world would say “hot dog yes he did” and worship away. Which is fine and good, But what about the resurrection, what part did that play. “Oh that was just God showing us that Jesus is in heaven now, sitting on the Fathers right hand.” Again I would say yes you are right… But I have to say that if you believe this and leave it there you are missing out on the purpose of The Cross and the Resurrection.

Jesus said that he would come and bring us a full life, yes a life of tirals and things like that. But A FULL LIFE. See I love to read the old testament, for me, that is my meat and potatoes, not that I ignore the new, But in the old, that is where you find the promises of what God wanted to do ever since the fall, and the new is where we see the fruition of Gods plan. And I look at it this way, Ok…If the new is the fruition, then shouldn’t we know the plant that tells us how the fruit comes into being. So in other words, I want to know the old so that I can understand the new.

The one thing that I find in the old…over and over again, is this…Ez. 36:26 I will give you a new heart, and put a new spirit in you…

So in my words…I will take your evil heart and replace it…I will circumcise your heart, I will make you my temple and my glory will emanate from you… and you will produce good fruit… I will return to you the Glory that I gave to you in before sin. This is why The resurrection is so important, because God sent Jesus down to earth not only to die for our sins and atone for us, but more importantly he sent his son to rise from the dead, and to show us that the Father himself wants to bring us to glory here on earth, to produce a whole shwack of fruit, love, miracles and all the goodies that he has layed out for us so that we don’t have to live a life of defeat.

2003-09-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

So here I am reading waking the dead…ummm I forgot the author…but it is a really sweet book. And the things he is writing are pretty much Christians are messed up…most are not getting the fullest life out there…And most Christians always make up excuses when asked “Is your life fullest”. “Oh yea it is…Isn’t yours…” Do you have the fruit of the spirit in your life…Again Most Christians “Oh yea, I saw a pear this morning when I was making brekki, when my son came in and made me angry and I had to bring together all the energy in me to not rip his head off. Ok I guess I am bringing a lot of issues together so I’d better focus. Ok…On the fruit of the spirit. I read about the fruit of the spirit and I see it literally, the fruit of the spirit are changes in us…so when that persons son comes in, instead of actually getting mad, you don’t get mad at all, but change the situation completely and help the son or whatever needs getting done. That is how I experienced the fruit, there was a situation... I forget what it was…but I should have been so angry and pissed off…but instead…I felt peace, not a hint of anger, it required no effort at all. It was just fruit, that I couldn’t produce, it just happened. Isn't that life that is becoming full...To me it is. It is a change so deep down, a change of nature in my soul and heart and my thinking. I love it...

Yea…that is my thought for today…

2003-09-10T13:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a hard day, God showed me places where I was hurting real bad. He showed me that I was hurting because of my spiritual gifts, how people had chewed into me, tried to destroy me, and crush my spirit. But instead of leaving me alone, God decided to use my gifts in a huge way. It humbled me so much, I was overcome by insecurity, and had to really come into contact with his grace just to make it through the night. I felt so vulnerable, I was putting my self out into the lions den naked. But then a man named Clay came to me and just told me to keep going, because he saw a maturity in me that he did not see much anymore. This encouraged me to much.

Then after that I was talking to an amazing girl named Bonny and we just talked about how we feel like we are different than most Christians…like we are fast tracked or something like that, how most of our friends are 20 years older than us. And just shared our experiences. It was awesome.

But I guess I just feel so vulnerable with this whole thing. And I am starting to understand the prophets more and more, how they felt, how they felt that they were so different.

Yea. To see the heart of God is an awesome thing, But to get close enough to talk to the Lord, is like standing next to a refiners furnace, and then on top of the heat you get pounded until you fit the shape God wants you to be in.

2003-09-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

I heard something once...if you have a passion for what you say, people will listen. Most preachers out there seem to be just going through the motions, They preach because they have to, they have a vision because they have to. They don't have the passion that they started out with, they are the sick leading the sick.
I find it so hard to listen to these guys up there who need a little looking after them selves. I guess this is the main problem, pastors are expected to lead, but where is the time for the pastor to be brought up, to be ministered too, to be healed so he can lead properly.

I was a small group leader...Well my small group was at its max 30 people, so really it was a small church, and I loved it, I loved the people so much. And I loved sheparding them, bringing them up and helping them. But there was one thing that I noticed, when I asked for prayer, or anything like that, no one stepped up to the plate. It hurt, I spent to much time helping them, praying for them and fighting for them, and then when I ask for help, they left me. It seemed that they felt that I was invincible, or godly or somthing like that, and that they were just to unclean to pray for me...I don't hold anything against them, but it through it all I started to see how Satan attacks Pastors or leaders. He takes them out by islolating them, by showing them that they are alone to fight. And it drains them, it kills their spirit.
So come on people lets help our leaders out, lets walk with them and give to them all we can, they have been called to sheparding so let us encourage them, and give all that we can into their lives.

2003-09-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

Well I have just joined a home church called Epic. And the whole point of the church is not to be a "normal" church, they want to get away from that completly. And well this is the desire of most churches...but most if not any ever get there...

I was a little bit leary of this whole thing...because it seems that so many churches show a community on the outside but then when you get in on the inside, you see a whole bunch of stagnant people trying to play church. But I have been going to this church for a while now, and we have one comming together (If you wanted to call it that) on sunday night, and then on tues about 20 people come together for a home church, where everything is spirit led, and we can use the gifts God has given us, and use them to encourage each other. To me this is really sweet, something I have been looking for and praying for.

Yea...I like this place

2003-09-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

Well this is kind of different for me...To actually write something down for everyone to see...It feels nice. I have been a christian for 3 years now, and well...to keep it short, I prayed for Gods truth, and he gave me two guides, Suffering and sorrow. I just want to write down my walk, as I walk into the truth that has been put into the darkeness over the past years.

Amen